I Do Believe — Love Song to My Life

I CAN'T STOP MY MIND, Mom! I can't stop my mind." Our ten-year-old son was grasping the sides of his head with his hands and pacing back and forth across the kitchen floor.

Bill and I knew what he was saying was true. His head was so full of tunes and ideas and questions that he couldn't get them to organize themselves into any form he could articulate. At ten he wasn't yet able to verbalize all that was churning in his mind, even if he had been able to call it into any kind of order.

Creative since the day he was born, our Benjy had been given piano lessons so that he'd have a way to get some of the music out of his head. Then he'd gone on to the drums. After school he would go straight to the soundproof drum booth we'd built for him, put on his earphones, and practice the rhythms he heard on recordings. He also painted with strong strokes and colors and had begun taking guitar lessons to school his fingers in the positions of the chords that echoed through the corridors of his mind.

And questions--he always had questions. I could identify. All my life I'd been plagued with questions too, about everything from the laws of the universe to the workings of the natural world— from the psychology of human behavior to the assumptions of society. And more than anything I had questions for God about human suffering, original sin, the destiny of mankind, and the complacency of the church.

So there wasn't a question our son could ask that I hadn't already asked. I also knew there was no question I could ask that someone before me hadn't asked.

To this day I am thankful that I had a mother who never belittled, condemned, or ignored my questions. When other parents shamed their young people for their questions, my mother encouraged me to bring mine to the table. "Go ahead ask," she would say. "Do you think your mind is capable of asking anything that would upset God? He created the mind you're using to ask the questions, so you can be sure He's pretty much heard it all before."

We hope we've been that wise with our children. I do know that as young adults they are still asking questions and pursuing a God that invites our honest quest of Him and all that He has made.

But I am coming to believe that no matter how long or intense our search, how deep our digging into the realm of truth, or how wide the terrain of exploration, sooner or later, if we are honestly seeking the truth, we will fall headlong into the arms of God. And when we get there, I believe we will find that the answer to our most ardent questions will be not a fact but a face; not a formula but a relationship; not just a proposition, but a person: Christ Himself.

There are still days when, like Benj, I find myself holding my head, saying, "I can't stop my mind; I can't stop my mind." There are days I wish I could, days I wish I could be content to fade into the swamp of the status quo and just be content with pat answers, simple solutions, and easy formulas for life. But most days I'm glad I can't. Most days I'm thankful for the deep conviction that it's in the quest that the adventure lies, and that the process even if it's a struggle-—is more important than a product. In fact, I'm coming to believe that the "product" is not even my problem but is the work of the One who promised to complete what He started, not what I started.

So I choose to trade safety for satisfaction. I'll give up guarantees for adventure, and I'll savor relationship over accomplishment. I choose to rest in the unexpected and to find my home in the great Heart that beats for the love of His life.

I Do Believe

Some say faith is just believing;
Others say it's self-deceiving,
Inventing childish dreams to get us through.
But deep inside me there's a yearning
For true wisdom, not just learning;
I'd trade all my clever questions
For one answer that is true.
I do believe You are the One –
The home I've longed to find,
My only hope, God's only Son.
I do believe, I touch, I see
That all along You've longed to be
My Lord, my God.
Lord, you know I need some answers
Questions eat at me like cancer;
Make me once again a simple child.
Help me take the risk of losing,
Lose it all to find in choosing
To believe You are the answer—
Earth and Heaven reconciled.

Sign Up